Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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