Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
