When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
