she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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