So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
