The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
