Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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