I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
