Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
