I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
