Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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