Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
