I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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