Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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