I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
