you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
