Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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