Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
