I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
