addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
