All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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