Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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