Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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