Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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