I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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