I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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