he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
