3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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