I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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