If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
