I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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