I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
