I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
