Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
