It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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