so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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