We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
