Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
