i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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