I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
