found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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