Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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