Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
