Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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