I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
