I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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