Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
