first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Houston, we have a blender
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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