I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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