I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
